“If I had to go earlier than you, then please, let me stay alive forever in your mind.” A simple, yet crushing wish. There’s nothing to smile about it. Yet there she was, still giving her warm smile even though her strength was almost exhausted. The setting sun became the witness of our final date, the golden rays illuminated her weak body as she leaned against me. A few months later, the heaven finally called her home.
?? November ????
The darkness still covered the entire horizon that morning when a call came into my phone. It was made from more than 600 kilometers away from where I was. I expected something good to be said during that call, but all I received was devastating news. The call lasted for about 30 seconds, but it managed to send me into the deepest abyss of despair longer than anything had ever done.
"She's no longer with us."
Those words still echoed in my head ever since I heard it that morning. They left me with no words to respond, as if my entire ability of speech dispersed into thin air. My legs felt numb and I suddenly fell down with a blank stare. It was so shocking that even my tears couldn't come out immediately. The call ended shortly after that.
I slowly put my phone down on the floor. For a few minutes, all I had in mind was her. The reckless and stubborn girl who was known for her beauty and her cleverness. The clingy girl who wanted nothing but her wishes to be fulfilled. The petite girl whom I love with all my life. My childhood friend who turned into the so-called love of my life.
"Sa, you are not leaving me, right? You are still in this world, right? You are still alive, right?"
Amidst the deafening sound of heavy rain, my tears began to fall. One, two, three, all the way until it dropped endlessly. At that exact moment, my whole world collapsed right in front of me. The beautiful world that I knew suddenly lost all its colors.
And so, November became the mourning month for me.
...
Forty-five days later
My phone rang in the middle of the day. I just finished doing some chores in the house and just prepared myself to read some books. I often refused to pick up a call but the moment I saw the name of the caller in the screen, I instantly picked it up.
"Hello, mama?" I tried to open up the conversation.
"Hello, Adit, how are you?" A familiar voice from the other side of the call asked me.
"Mama! I'm fine, ma, thank you. How about you and papa?" A smile formed on my face as she greeted me.
It has been almost two months since the last time I had a conversation with mama. The last time was when Salsa was admitted to hospital, around a week prior to her death. Since then, my communication was solely with papa, even when Salsa's condition was worsening. My mom still kept in touch with her and she said that perhaps mama didn't want me to worry too much because if I received the news or updates about Salsa's condition through her, she would explain it in a panic-triggering way. So, I believed it, until now.
"We're doing well. Thank you, sweetie. Are you busy at the moment?" She asked.
"Not at all, ma. Is there anything I can help you with?" I answered. I didn't know what to expect from here so every response would be equally surprising.
"It's only a small thing, but quite important. Are you home already or are you still in Jakarta?"
"I'm currently home, ma. But I'll return to Jakarta in the middle of January. What happens?"
"That's good to hear. Do you mind to pay us a visit when you return? There's something for you that we have to give. Ah but don't worry, you don't have to rush."
"Something for me? What is it, ma?"
"Something that will be yours, of course. I wish I could tell you now but It's better if you see it by yourself first, okay, sweetie?"
"Okay, ma. I'll let you know when I return to Jakarta."
"Awesome! Oh before I forget, is your mom there?"
"Uh, wait... yes, she's here, ma. Do you want to talk to her?"
"Yes, please."
I rushed to the living room where mom was watching the TV. She looked at me with a little confusion before I told her about the caller.
"Mama wants to talk." I said.
I handed the phone to her and returned to my room. They spent quite a while talking to each other. Even though I couldn't hear what they talked clearly, I could understand that mama was getting better and mom tried her best to cheer her up without bringing the topic of her daughter.
I believed that for every parent, losing a child is a painful tragedy that can't be cured by anything nor anyone. Therefore, I couldn't imagine the pain that mama and papa had to go through when Salsa was called home. Their one and only child, their beloved daughter, was taken away too soon.
December was finally left behind and the new year started to run in full swing. My head, over the course of the few weeks after that call was filled by question marks. The last time I received a gift from Salsa's parents was around the time I got accepted into university. So I thought that this gift that she talked in that call wouldn't be something I could see as birthday gift. Before long, the time has finally come for me to return to Jakarta.
"Don't forget to pay them a visit, okay?" Mom told me before I got into the bus that would take me to the airport.
"Yes, mom. I won't forget." I assured her. I waved goodbye to my parents and the bus departed, leaving my house behind into the distance.
~
I visited them three days after my arrival. Since I lived in southern Jakarta and they lived in the north-eastern area of Jakarta, the journey to their house was quite long and lonely. The last time I was on this route was in May, the previous year. It wasn't even one year ago but it felt like so far in the distant past. The journey was nearly identical, except a few small changes that could be seen along the way. But I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel anything during the two-hour journey.
The house was located in a semi-elite residential area. The main entrance wasn't quite far from the nearest bus stop so I decided to take a short walk. The guards on the entrance didn't bother to check the pedestrians at that time and only performed the inspection for any vehicles entering the area.
The residential area itself was quite large but felt so empty. Perhaps most of their residents were going for a trip since it was Saturday. Weekend is an important part of our lives, after all.
As I keep walking, I finally arrived on my destination. The two-story house painted in white with an SUV parked on the carport. I double-checked the number of the house to make sure that I didn't pick the wrong one before ringing the bell. Once, twice, and finally a sound coming from the front door. I was greeted by the presence of mama coming out and rushed to open the locked gate.
"There you are, my beloved son, come in!" She said as she opened the gate.
"Hello, ma! How are you?" I bowed down a little.
"I'm fine. Oh my, it's been a while since the last time I saw you." She answered and immediately gave me a hug. I decided to stay silent and to reply when she let me go.
"Yes, ma. I'm sorry it took me a while to visit you." I apologized.
"Don't worry, the most important thing is that you've arrived here safe and sound. Let's continue inside, your papa must be so happy to see you." She led me inside the house.
"Ah, Adit! How are you doing, son?" Papa greeted me as soon as I entered the living room.
"Hello, pa! I'm doing good, thanks. How about you?" I answered, again, while bowing down a little.
"As good as ever, haha. Sit down, I want to hear how your life is at the moment." His hand gesture asked me to sit down on the couch. Meanwhile, mama already went to the kitchen to make some drink.
I sat down and put my bag beside me. The atmosphere felt quite different compared to the last time I visited this house. But I'd expected it even before I returned to Jakarta three days ago. Papa then took a deep breath before opening the conversation.
"How's your college? You should be in your sixth semester now, right?"
"Yes, in February I will begin my sixth semester. I think I can say that my college is going okay. Maybe the typhus that I got early last year was a problem, but other than that, I'm doing pretty good, pa."
"Good! Another semester closer to your graduation."
Mama returned from the kitchen with a tray filled by three cups of tea and a plate of cake. She sat beside papa as soon as she finished arranging them on the table.
"Akira, come here!" She called Akira, Salsa's beloved cat.
"Akira is here? Did you bring her on the plane?" I was a little surprised since Akira lived on their house in [Redacted].
"Yes, we had to do it since we won't come home until March." She answered briefly before Akira jumped onto the couch.
"This is my first time seeing her directly." I blurted out.
Akira had always been a curious cat. As far as I knew, she was never afraid to a stranger as long as it's inside the house. This time, she even tried to get to know me closer than I had expected.
"Come here, little girl!" I said as Akira made her way towards me.
"She knows who loves the cat and who doesn't, haha." Papa added as the british shorthair cat sniffed me, then decided to sit beside me.
"Can I pick her up?" I asked for their permission.
"Yes, you can!" Mama answered.
I slowly try to pick the cat up onto my arms. She was a little heavier than I thought. But she didn't resist and instead tried to hold my arms. She meowed softly as I brought her near my chest.
"Look at her, just like how she usually was with Salsa." Mama said. Suddenly, the air felt different and a long silence fell upon us.
"Oh, yes, Adit. Do you mind to come with me, please?" Papa stood up and immediately walked towards the stairs.
"Yes, of course." I quickly followed him with Akira still in my arms.
Mama was on the verge of tears as we left her. It was obviously the best thing to avoid seeing her cry. Every mother in this world will obviously get sad when they lose their beloved children, let alone their one and only child. Her tears showed that she still couldn't completely accept the loss of her daughter.
Meanwhile, papa led me to a bedroom on the second floor. The bedroom of Salsa, the one room that I spent most of my time in whenever I paid a visit to this house since the last four years. He opened the door and the familiar sight of her unique room greeted me.
"There's something that Salsa wanted to give you. We know, it's possible to send it through delivery. But we believe that it's better if you come directly to pick it up. Your presence, more or less, can remind us of her." He said as he walked towards the table on the left side of the room.
"This is the box of, let's say, gift, that she wanted you to have. To be honest, we don't know what's inside it because she had prepared it before she was admitted into the hospital. But since she said it directly that it's for you, we decided to take it here with us." He explained.
"See it for yourself! Take your time, we'll be waiting downstairs." He tapped my shoulder before leaving and closing the door. I was left alone in that bedroom with Akira who didn't even try to jump out.
The room had been cleaned properly. The bedsheet was clean and looked brand new. The blanket was properly folded. The dolls on the bed were arranged perfectly. There were no more pile of books on the table since all of them has been moved to the bookshelf behind me.
Eight months ago, I took Salsa to this bedroom of hers after we spent almost an entire day together. I carried her on my back and put her weakening body on this same bed. I remembered how she tried her best to look strong. She even exhausted the last of her strength to get up and hugged me before I left.
"I guess you somehow knew that it would be the last time we could see each other, huh?" I murmured. Meanwhile, Akira had gotten off my arms and slept on the bed.
"Princess, I hope you already gave me the permission to open this gift in your bedroom." I tried to ease the air as I sat on the chair.
In front of me, a box in blue and pink wrapping papers was placed neatly. It wasn't that big nor that small, and it indeed piqued my interest. I slowly untied the ribbon that kept the box and its lid together. Slowly and carefully I tried to open it. Finally, I managed to take off its lid without tearing it up.
Inside the box, I found three pictures, two letters, and a notebook. The pictures were quite memorable. A picture of me, a picture of her, and a picture of us together. All three were being connected through a string, a perfect way to make sure that it could be hung on the wall.
A flood of memories filled my mind as I carefully looked at the pictures. I instantly remembered the days of when these pictures were taken. Her camera really did amazing jobs capturing our moments. I believed there was more, but these three were more than enough for me.
"You're a real tearjerker, Sa. You really are..." I said as tears started to fall down. But I quickly controlled myself. I didn't want to make a mess in her bedroom.
I then decided to put the pictures aside and moved to the letter inside the envelopes. She didn't like writing with her hands, so most of the times, the letters that I received before her death were typed in computers before being printed out. But this time, she carefully wrote two letters for me and to think that those two would be the very last letters from her, I couldn't help but shedding my tears. Beautiful gifts, yet cruel at the same time.
Reading the first letter was like traveling to the very beginning of our friendship. She highlighted each memorable moments of our lives throughout the years. Even the years we spent far away from each other. Her writing is still beautiful here. It seemed like she wrote it before her illness got worsened again.
The handwriting looked so different to the second letter, which I opened after putting the first one back into its envelope. I could still read the second one even though it looked so messy. But what sort of handwriting should I expect from someone whose brain was injured, right? The fact that she could still write this letter amidst her worsening health was beyond amazing.
I read it from top to bottom. The content itself was mostly about the things she was grateful for. But since the letter was intended for me, she mentioned my name quite a lot. In fact, half of the letter was written like a fictional story involving our nicknames that we gave to each other. The very last line that I managed to read was written as this:
"The Princess lives forever in the castle above the sky. Overlooking her dearest knight until they get reunited in a place where death and separation no longer exist."
The writing became illegible after that. No matter how hard I tried to read each stroke of pen along those last lines, I still couldn't read what word or letter she wanted to write. I supposed that some things would stay as mystery until the end of time, and this was one of it.
Another tears fell onto the table. As I realized it, I quickly folded the letter and put it safely inside the envelope again. Damaging the last gift from her would be the least thing I wanted that day. I'd even curse myself if it happened.
For quite some time, I leaned back and tried to control my emotion. It was all quiet except the sound of my breath that started to feel short. The notebook was still waiting to be opened. Yet I was quite sure that out of all the items inside the box, this one would pierce my soul the deepest out of them all. After all, this is the same notebook that she would always carry whenever she went when she was still alive.
I never knew what was inside it or what had she written in it. After all, it is rude to see someone's diary, personal notebook, or daily journal without their permission. I once asked to see it, but she blatantly refused. Thus I never dared to ask her about it anymore. But eventually, she allowed me to have a look, even to keep it, though in the most hurtful way possible.
Slowly, I picked up the notebook from the box. Its cover was clean and there was only her name on it. On its side, there were a few small sticky notes that she put to ease the process of finding certain things within the book. People would definitely mistaken the book to be a notebook for college classes since it looked that way which I found amusing.
I tried to find the last page and made my way to the last diary that she wrote. I planned to read the rest when I was already strong enough to face the silent witness of her short life. But for now, it was better to see the most important part and avoid seeing the rest. That was what I thought.
Unexpectedly, the last diary was written on 23 September last year, while the previous one before it was written on 22 August. I flipped the page again and found another one, dated May 19 that year, with a photo being placed on the top corner, a photo of me carrying her on my back.
"2016 was a long time ago, Sa." I tried to laugh. But deep down, I knew why she put that picture there and again, I failed to control myself.
When we met for the first time after more than eight years in 2016, one of the things I remembered she asked me was giving her a piggyback ride. Just like what we used to do before I moved out of the town. I remember that the conversation on the hotel lobby that day went out a little like this:
"Dit, give me a piggyback ride? I miss doing it with you. Oh don't you worry, I'm not that heavy." She winked.
"Sa, our parents are here, what do you mean?!" I was taken aback by her request.
"And? It's not like we're doing something inappropriate, is it? Oh, I know! Mom, do you allow Adit to give me a piggyback ride?" She turned to ask my mom.
"A piggyback ride? Ask him, sweetheart." Mom laughed.
"Salsa, you're no longer a kid, remember?" Mama reminded her.
"I know, ma. But who cares? I ask for it from him, not from anyone else, don't I?" She shrugged. Mama just sighed while mom, dad, and papa laughed at her response.
"Now, Adit, get down! Give me a piggyback ride for one lap around this lobby!" She ordered me.
"Yeah, as you wish, Princess Salsa." I sighed as I crouched down.
I gave up and decided to fulfill her wish. Walking around the hotel lobby with her petite body on my back. Our parents laughed so hard while also taking the pictures of us and our ridiculousness. Meanwhile, the other guests and the hotel staffs couldn't help but smile at our silly little act.
One of the pictures taken was the one that she put in that page of the notebook. The piggyback ride was also the last thing I did for her before she flew back home on May, last year. It sure brought out a lot of memories back into my head.
The diary from May mostly talked about the very last day we spent together. I was surprised to see that she did wrote everything we went through that day. Including the moment when we made the promise to see each other in December. The last sentence of this part was "I can't wait to give him a surprise in December". My heart stopped beating for a split second after reading it.
The second and the third part of her diary talked about her own condition. The one from August implied that her condition was getting better and she started to do many things she couldn't do before. But on September, it was worsening, even worse than the previous times. She also talked about how her body got thinner over the course of a few months.
It was an unfathomable pain that she endured. But her willingness, or should I say, her stubbornness to beat the illness was a commendable feat. Yet the complete opposite thing should be given to me, because I failed to stay by her side throughout her last moments on earth. Until now, if I was asked about one regret I could never get over with, that one would be on the top of the list.
I thought that it would be the last thing I saw from her diary that day, but on the very last page, she deliberately put her silver necklace as a 'memento' for me. I remembered the twin-star design really well because she always used it whenever we went for a date. It was put inside a plastic bag that was glued onto the last page, along with a single line of note in a messy handwriting below it, written as:
"Please, keep it, Little Bunbun. Who knows, maybe it can always remind you of me."
Although I didn't know when she put this necklace or when she wrote it, but it actually proved that she was prepared to meet the worst possible outcome of her illness. She had foreseen her death.
After making sure that I put everything inside the box, I carefully closed the lid and put it aside. Slowly, the sadness became unbearable and in the end, I spent more than an hour inside her room. I was crying my heart out in that room, soliloquizing my thoughts out loud, as if imagining that she was still inside that room with me.
"I miss you so much, Sa. I miss you so much."
I said it out loud before wiping the tears away and tried to put as neutral expression as possible. Like the final blow before I was left with no choice but to be as calm as I could. The drizzle just started to fall outside and somehow, I felt like it was time to go downstairs.
I stood before the large mirror in the room and fixed my hair and my shirt. But even after I finished, I still looked into the clear reflection in front of me. Perhaps the wild thoughts of being able to see her through the mirror got the better of me. The meowing sound of Akira brought me back to reality and by the time I looked at her, she already stood beside me.
"Are you ready to go downstairs?" I asked her. Akira, of course, just meowed softly.
I quickly crouched down and just like before, she let herself being carried up without any resistance. I guess she loved being carried anywhere. Then, I opened the door before taking the box on the table with me.
"Alright, let's take the box now." I said and quickly turned around to grab the box. It was light enough to be held with one hand.
I stood by her bed, reciting a prayer before I left the room. I wish nothing but for her to be happy and healthy up above. She had endured so much for the last ten months of her life so I didn't want her to feel the same way after being separated from earth.
Akira meowed softly after I finished reciting the prayer. Not just once, but four times. I didn't know why, either she wanted me to leave with her as soon as possible, or she wanted to say something, just like I did. So, to respond to her, I chose the latter.
"She's no longer with us, Akira." I said.
"Meow." She looked at me.
"But I believe that she will stay with you." I smiled.
"Meoow." She meowed again while looking away from me.
I began to walk towards the door. I took one last look of her bedroom because I didn't know if I'm still allowed to be here after this or not. This is Salsa's bedroom after all, not mine.
"Sayonara, O my beloved White Princess." I murmured and closed the door.
By the time I reached the living room, papa and mama were still sitting in their seats just like before I left. However, the TV was on and they were watching the afternoon news program. Mama seemed to be more calm and collected so I supposed that everything turned out okay.
"Have you taken a look of the said gift?" Mama asked me.
"Yes, ma. I've checked it. I really want to say thank you so much for letting me have this. I mean, to be invited here and to see it personally, I couldn't ask for more." I bowed down. As per the custom of this family.
"Put your head up! There's no need to bow down over it. We were just doing what Salsa wanted us to do. Besides, you both have grown so close to each other since you were toddlers so there's no need to thank us like that." Papa quickly said it.
I brought myself back up and sat on the empty couch. Akira also got off my arms and decided to sit beside me.
"Thank you so much, pa, ma. Thank you so much for allowing me inside her bedroom today and I'm sorry I took a lot of time there." I apologized to them because I was inside her room for more than an hour.
"Please, don't say that. She meant a lot to you, we understand that. So it's only natural for you to reminisce the old days with her inside that room." Mama argued.
"I guess you're right, ma." I nodded and smiled.
"Alright, now let's have a lunch, shall we?" Mama stood up and walked towards the dining room.
"She already prepared everything while you were upstairs. Let's follow her before the food gets cold." Papa told me.
So then, all three of us had lunch. Akira also had her lunch below the table. Mama and papa sat side by side while I sat on the opposite side of them, with an empty chair beside me. The chair that was usually used by Salsa. The drizzle had turned into heavy rain but the warmth of this family managed to keep me away from cold. They talked a lot about things that happened lately and I was happily listening to their conversation.
But perhaps, I was merely distracting myself from the thoughts of missing her, and their lively conversation provided a good escape from it.
(To be continued in part 2)